Puke Glossary

((Edited to say: We just made it through a 104.3 temp fiasco with Sam only to find Jack laid out on the couch with a temp of 101.1. We've been sick on all the holidays now. It's official. MLK was the last hold-out. A hold-out no longer.))

As I sit by the scorching flames crackling in my fireplace wondering why it's so ridiculously cold, Sam is now on the love seat (which has a hide-away bed) watching Tivo'd AFV episodes and eating Town House crackers. The fever is down to 101.9, so we've made a little headway. While we have this moment of reflection, I thought I'd classify, for those not yet familiar with the intricacies of vomit & children, the different types of explosive scenarios one might encounter.

The Fluke Puke - This applies to various types of casting your lunch about, but one would be correct to assume that The Fluke Puke happens once, causes quite the viral scare, but never materializes into a full-scale purging event. One might even assume their child was just messing with them, in which case it really isn't a fluke at all, but a Vindictive or Conspiracy Vomit. I think the name sufficiently describes all you need to know about that one.

The Volley Vomitance - Do not confuse this occurrence with a game played on the beach with a bouncing white ball. This, rather, occurs when 2 children simultaneously empty their guts causing parent in possession of the catching receptacle to bounce back and forth in an attempt to catch what is being volleyed. Also known as the Ping Pong Puke.

The Coattail Effect - Just when you think you've dodged the spreading or passing of viral agent from one child to another, The Coattail Effect kicks in. As unpleasant as this may seem, this effect is to be preferred over it's much darker cousin, The Group Action Phenomenon.

The Group Action Phenomenon - Having been previously scarred for life by such an event, I can say that, without exception, all it takes is one incident of this nature to forever make a person A.)break out in hives, B.)break out in a cold sweat followed by hives, or C.)curl up in the fetal position while chanting, "I'm in a safe place. I'm in a safe place." at the mere mention of vomit. Not to be confused with the Conspiracy Vomit. The Group Action Phenomenon is purely an act of destiny. Fate if you will. The stars must align. No man, or child, can control such forces at work.

The Repercussion Upchuck - The outcome of The Repercussion Upchuck is the same as all of the others, but it's onset is usually spurred by a comment such as, "I can't believe the kids haven't been sick this month." Or even, "I can't believe I still have all of my sick days!" For these types of statements, there are serious repercussions.


The Priss Puke - More than an event, this term describes a style of output. The Priss Puke is characterized by a calm walk to the restroom, a unhurried gathering of the hair in a rubber band, a precise stance being assumed before the kerfuffle occurs, and a graceful finish complete with a brushing of the teeth. Sophy has mastered the art of The Priss Puke. Not to be confused with The Intense Terroristic Nauseant.

The Intense Terroristic Nauseant - This event is punctuated by a high volume of moaning and cursing. And a disorderly and boisterous journey to the restroom. A completely unpredictable and confusing bout of hacking, spitting, and hocking, ending in a vortex of writhing and incoherent muttering. PDaddy and Sam are included in this group.

The Puke Whisperer - A Puke Whisperer is a phantom. A mystery. A riddle. The Puke Whisperer is The Flying Dutchman of pukers. My Jackson, God bless his little heart, is a Puke Whisperer. Also known as The Spook Puke.

The Cookie Toss - Sadly, this is just as the term suggests. Literally the casting up of one's, literal, cookies. I told you it was sad.

The Trojan Horse Puke - This circumstance arrives cloaked as something else. Anything else. It is cruel and unpredictable.

May this glossary serve you well. It helps to know what you're up against. I never said it was pretty.