What teachers really think of apples.

While I'm in Topic Tuesday on Wednesday mode, and while you're out shopping for the first thing on the discount shelf you can find to appease the teacher gift guilt currently festering in your mind, let me tell you what your child's teacher really thinks of apples.
Being in my 11th year of crowd control teaching, I have received my fair share of apple notepads, pencils with apple erasers, chalk holders shaped like apples, apple candles, apple socks, apple mousepads, apple shampoo, apple lotion, apples dipped in chocolate (these were actually pretty good), apple photo frames, and apple underwear. You get the idea. While these gifts are aggrivating thoughtful, let me just say for the sake of any teacher that you might possibly buy a gift for this season or any other, please remember that your devil angel isn't the only one in said teacher's class. So while your apple-shaped earrings may be as cute as 10 ladybugs, please keep in mind that your child's teacher could possibly receive anywhere from 25 - 120 apple encrusted items--depending on the size of the class. In my case, I teach 120 kids every day. Imagine if only half of them brought me a Christmas gift bearing some form of an apple. YIKES! You can see the potential for some serious applephobia to develop. (Don't even get me started on the gifts bearing ABC/123 on them....) Though I reserve the right to claim that this is my opinion and my opinion alone, I feel qualified to quibble and request, on behalf of teachers the world over, that you reconsider all future apple purchases.
I was asked recently by a friend what I would recommend for a teacher's Christmas gift that would be useful and inexpensive that she could give to her daughter's teacher this Christmas.
Gee! Funny you should ask because BOY, do I have ideas!
Here are 10:
1. Cheap tupperware type container with lid holding assorted Post-It notes, colored pens, or Sharpies. The container can be used empty when the goodies are long gone.
2. Sonic gift card. Who doesn't like to whiz into Sonic during Happy Hour for a Rt. 44!!
3. #2 yellow pencils are a teacher's friend. Kids are constantly losing their pencils or not having any. A good stash of yellow pencils never hurt anybody. Well, except that one kid that got stabbed with one yesterday. He got hurt...but besides him, hardly anybody else.
4. Any elementary teacher would appreciate stamps and ink pad, stickers, and trinkets for their treasure chest if the class has one, which two-thirds of my children's teachers do.
5. If you're the cooking type, tell the teacher a specific day that you plan on providing her lunch during her lunch time. Just keep in mind that your child's teacher has about 20 minutes to eat and do her token One Trip to Bathroom For The Day, so be certain that you have the meal there on time and can be eaten relatively quickly. I once had a mom do this, and it was really nice! Just a really nice sandwich, a small cup of soup or salad, a brownie--Ta-Da! Happy Teacher!
6. What about a plant if the the class has a window?
7. Or a nice rose bush for the teacher's garden at home?
8. Think small. A bottle of water or soda, some snack crackers or trail mix, and a pack of gum. Teachers get the munchies too. This way, we won't have to beat up a kid to steal their's. Er, I mean. Hypothetically.
9. Teachers are, at least at the middle school level, leary of eating homemade treats and goodies (unless we know the parent EXTREMELY well), so when in doubt, try to buy small things that are prepackaged. It sounds harsh, but our's is a harsh world. Show me a middle school teacher, and I'll show you somebody who doesn't let a SOUL stand behind them. Anywhere. Ever. If we could afford Secret Service Security, we'd have it.
10. A travel sized umbrella, a pretty winter scarf, a pair of gloves. Yes, to all of these--unless they have apples on them. Sorry, weren't you listening? Pay attention or there'll be detention in your future.
Look. The bottom line is this. Unless you're dealing with a teacher who wanted to retire 4 years ago but couldn't because her teacher retirement won't cover her medication that helps with her nervous tick she developed in year #16, your child's teacher is teaching because she wants to be. It certainly isn't for the pay, and if you want to not have your nose bloodied, don't insinuate that it is because we get "3 months off"..'cause yeah. Uh. No. So, if your child has a teacher who cares, gets to school early, stays at school late, seems to give a darn in general, leave the apples at the orchard, uh?
Should I look the proverbial gift horse in the mouth?
Well, horse's do like apples, right?
Don't answer that.